The following first four chapters in Candide show examples of satire and other elements of literature present in Voltaire's
The entire chapter one is cited from (Candide Chapter 1 1), chapter two is cited from (Candide Chapter 2 1), chapter
three is cited from (Candide Chapter 3 1), and chapter 4 is cited from (Candide Chapter 4 1).
In the country of Westphalia, in the castle of the most noble Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, lived a youth whom Nature
had endowed with a most sweet disposition. His face was the true index of his mind. He had a solid judgment joined to the
most unaffected simplicity; and hence, I presume, he had his name of Candide. The old servants of the house suspected him
to have been the son of the Baron's sister, by a very good sort of a gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady refused
to marry, because he could produce no more than threescore and eleven quarterings in his arms; the rest of the genealogical
tree belonging to the family having been lost through the injuries of time.
The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his castle had not only a gate, but even windows, and
his great hall was hung with tapestry. He used to hunt with his mastiffs and spaniels instead of greyhounds; his groom served
him for huntsman; and the parson of the parish officiated as his grand almoner. He was called "My Lord" by all his
people, and he never told a story but everyone laughed at it.
My Lady Baroness, who weighed three hundred and fifty pounds, consequently was a person of no small consideration; and
then she did the honors of the house with a dignity that commanded universal respect. Her daughter was about seventeen years
of age, fresh-colored, comely, plump, and desirable. The Baron's son seemed to be a youth in every respect worthy of the father
he sprung from. Pangloss, the preceptor, was the oracle of the family, and little Candide listened to his instructions with
all the simplicity natural to his age and disposition.
Master Pangloss taught the metaphysico-theologo-cosmolonigology. He could prove to admiration that there is no effect
without a cause; and, that in this best of all possible worlds, the Baron's castle was the most magnificent of all castles,
and My Lady the best of all possible baronesses.
"It is demonstrable," said he, "that things cannot be otherwise than as they are; for as all things have
been created for some end, they must necessarily be created for the best end. Observe, for instance, the nose is formed for
spectacles, therefore we wear spectacles. The legs are visibly designed for stockings, accordingly we wear stockings. Stones
were made to be hewn and to construct castles, therefore My Lord has a magnificent castle; for the greatest baron in the province
ought to be the best lodged. Swine were intended to be eaten, therefore we eat pork all the year round: and they, who assert
that everything is right, do not express themselves correctly; they should say that everything is best."
Candide listened attentively and believed implicitly, for he thought Miss Cunegund excessively handsome, though he never
had the courage to tell her so. He concluded that next to the happiness of being Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, the next was
that of being Miss Cunegund, the next that of seeing her every day, and the last that of hearing the doctrine of Master Pangloss,
the greatest philosopher of the whole province, and consequently of the whole world.
One day when Miss Cunegund went to take a walk in a little neighboring wood which was called a park, she saw, through
the bushes, the sage Doctor Pangloss giving a lecture in experimental philosophy to her mother's chambermaid, a little brown
wench, very pretty, and very tractable. As Miss Cunegund had a great disposition for the sciences, she observed with the utmost
attention the experiments which were repeated before her eyes; she perfectly well understood the force of the doctor's reasoning
upon causes and effects. She retired greatly flurried, quite pensive and filled with the desire of knowledge, imagining that
she might be a sufficing reason for young Candide, and he for her.
On her way back she happened to meet the young man; she blushed, he blushed also; she wished him a good morning in a flattering
tone, he returned the salute, without knowing what he said. The next day, as they were rising from dinner, Cunegund and Candide
slipped behind the screen. The miss dropped her handkerchief, the young man picked it up. She innocently took hold of his
hand, and he as innocently kissed hers with a warmth, a sensibility, a grace-all very particular; their lips met; their eyes
sparkled; their knees trembled; their hands strayed. The Baron chanced to come by; he beheld the cause and effect, and, without
hesitation, saluted Candide with some notable kicks on the breech and drove him out of doors. The lovely Miss Cunegund fainted
away, and, as soon as she came to herself, the Baroness boxed her ears. Thus a general consternation was spread over this
most magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.
Never was anything so gallant, so well accoutred, so brilliant, and so finely disposed as the two armies. The trumpets,
fifes, hautboys, drums, and cannon made such harmony as never was heard in Hell itself. The entertainment began by a discharge
of cannon, which, in the twinkling of an eye, laid flat about 6,000 men on each side. The musket bullets swept away, out of
the best of all possible worlds, nine or ten thousand scoundrels that infested its surface. The bayonet was next the sufficient
reason of the deaths of several thousands. The whole might amount to thirty thousand souls. Candide trembled like a philosopher,
and concealed himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery.
At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deums to be sung in their camps, Candide took a resolution to go and reason
somewhere else upon causes and effects. After passing over heaps of dead or dying men, the first place he came to was a neighboring
village, in the Abarian territories, which had been burned to the ground by the Bulgarians, agreeably to the laws of war.
Here lay a number of old men covered with wounds, who beheld their wives dying with their throats cut, and hugging their children
to their breasts, all stained with blood. There several young virgins, whose bodies had been ripped open, after they had satisfied
the natural necessities of the Bulgarian heroes, breathed their last; while others, half-burned in the flames, begged to be
dispatched out of the world. The ground about them was covered with the brains, arms, and legs of dead men.
Candide made all the haste he could to another village, which belonged to the Bulgarians, and there he found the heroic
Abares had enacted the same tragedy. Thence continuing to walk over palpitating limbs, or through ruined buildings, at length
he arrived beyond the theater of war, with a little provision in his budget, and Miss Cunegund's image in his heart. When
he arrived in Holland his provision failed him; but having heard that the inhabitants of that country were all rich and Christians,
he made himself sure of being treated by them in the same manner as the Baron's castle, before he had been driven thence through
the power of Miss Cunegund's bright eyes.
He asked charity of several grave-looking people, who one and all answered him, that if he continued to follow this trade
they would have him sent to the house of correction, where he should be taught to get his bread.
He next addressed himself to a person who had just come from haranguing a numerous assembly for a whole hour on the subject
of charity. The orator, squinting at him under his broadbrimmed hat, asked him sternly, what brought him thither and whether
he was for the good old cause?
"Sir," said Candide, in a submissive manner, "I conceive there can be no effect without a cause; everything
is necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was necessary that I should be banished from the presence of Miss
Cunegund; that I should afterwards run the gauntlet; and it is necessary I should beg my bread, till I am able to get it.
All this could not have been otherwise."
"Hark ye, friend," said the orator, "do you hold the Pope to be Antichrist?"
"Truly, I never heard anything about it," said Candide, "but whether he is or not, I am in want of something
"Thou deservest not to eat or to drink," replied the orator, "wretch, monster, that thou art! hence! avoid
my sight, nor ever come near me again while thou livest."
The orator's wife happened to put her head out of the window at that instant, when, seeing a man who doubted whether the
Pope was Antichrist, she discharged upon his head a utensil full of water. Good heavens, to what excess does religious zeal
A man who had never been christened, an honest Anabaptist named James, was witness to the cruel and ignominious treatment
showed to one of his brethren, to a rational, two-footed, unfledged being. Moved with pity he carried him to his own house,
caused him to be cleaned, gave him meat and drink, and made him a present of two florins, at the same time proposing to instruct
him in his own trade of weaving Persian silks, which are fabricated in Holland.
Candide, penetrated with so much goodness, threw himself at his feet, crying, "Now I am convinced that my Master
Pangloss told me truth when he said that everything was for the best in this world; for I am infinitely more affected with
your extraordinary generosity than with the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black cloak and his wife."
Candide, thus driven out of this terrestrial paradise, rambled a long time without knowing where he went; sometimes he
raised his eyes, all bedewed with tears, towards heaven, and sometimes he cast a melancholy look towards the magnificent castle,
where dwelt the fairest of young baronesses. He laid himself down to sleep in a furrow, heartbroken, and supperless. The snow
fell in great flakes, and, in the morning when he awoke, he was almost frozen to death; however, he made shift to crawl to
the next town, which was called Wald-berghoff-trarbkdikdorff, without a penny in his pocket, and half dead with hunger and
fatigue. He took up his stand at the door of an inn. He had not been long there before two men dressed in blue fixed their
eyes steadfastly upon him.
"Faith, comrade," said one of them to the other, "yonder is a well-made young fellow and of the right size."
Upon which they made up to Candide and with the greatest civility and politeness invited him to dine with them.
"Gentlemen," replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, "you do me much honor, but upon my word I have
"Money, sir!" said one of the blues to him, "young persons of your appearance and merit never pay anything;
why, are not you five feet five inches high?"
"Yes, gentlemen, that is really my size," replied he, with a low bow.
"Come then, sir, sit down along with us; we will not only pay your reckoning, but will never suffer such a clever
young fellow as you to want money. Men were born to assist one another."
"You are perfectly right, gentlemen," said Candide, "this is precisely the doctrine of Master Pangloss;
and I am convinced that everything is for the best."
His generous companions next entreated him to accept of a few crowns, which he readily complied with, at the same time
offering them his note for the payment, which they refused, and sat down to table.
"Have you not a great affection for-"
"O yes! I have a great affection for the lovely Miss Cunegund."
"Maybe so," replied one of the blues, "but that is not the question! We ask you whether you have not a
great affection for the King of the Bulgarians?"
"For the King of the Bulgarians?" said Candide. "Oh, Lord! not at all, why I never saw him in my life."
"Is it possible? Oh, he is a most charming king! Come, we must drink his health."
"With all my heart, gentlemen," said Candide, and off he tossed his glass.
"Bravo!" cried the blues; "you are now the support, the defender, the hero of the Bulgarians; your fortune
is made; you are in the high road to glory."
So saying, they handcuffed him, and carried him away to the regiment. There he was made to wheel about to the right, to
the left, to draw his rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire, to march, and they gave him thirty blows with a cane;
the next day he performed his exercise a little better, and they gave him but twenty; the day following he came off with ten,
and was looked upon as a young fellow of surprising genius by all his comrades.
Candide was struck with amazement, and could not for the soul of him conceive how he came to be a hero. One fine spring
morning, he took it into his head to take a walk, and he marched straight forward, conceiving it to be a privilege of the
human species, as well as of the brute creation, to make use of their legs how and when they pleased. He had not gone above
two leagues when he was overtaken by four other heroes, six feet high, who bound him neck and heels, and carried him to a
dungeon. A courtmartial sat upon him, and he was asked which he liked better, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times through
the whole regiment, or to have his brains blown out with a dozen musket-balls?
In vain did he remonstrate to them that the human will is free, and that he chose neither; they obliged him to make a
choice, and he determined, in virtue of that divine gift called free will, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times.
He had gone through his discipline twice, and the regiment being composed of 2,000 men, they composed for him exactly
4,000 strokes, which laid bare all his muscles and nerves from the nape of his neck to his stern. As they were preparing to
make him set out the third time our young hero, unable to support it any longer, begged as a favor that they would be so obliging
as to shoot him through the head; the favor being granted, a bandage was tied over his eyes, and he was made to kneel down.
At that very instant, His Bulgarian Majesty happening to pass by made a stop, and inquired into the delinquent's crime,
and being a prince of great penetration, he found, from what he heard of Candide, that he was a young metaphysician, entirely
ignorant of the world; and therefore, out of his great clemency, he condescended to pardon him, for which his name will be
celebrated in every journal, and in every age. A skillful surgeon made a cure of the flagellated Candide in three weeks by
means of emollient unguents prescribed by Dioscorides. His sores were now skimmed over and he was able to march, when the
King of the Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the Abares.
The next day, as Candide was walking out, he met a beggar all covered with scabs, his eyes sunk in his head, the end of
his nose eaten off, his mouth drawn on one side, his teeth as black as a cloak, snuffling and coughing most violently, and
every time he attempted to spit out dropped a tooth.
Candide, divided between compassion and horror, but giving way to the former, bestowed on this shocking figure the two
florins which the honest Anabaptist, James, had just before given to him. The specter looked at him very earnestly, shed tears
and threw his arms about his neck. Candide started back aghast.
"Alas!" said the one wretch to the other, "don't you know dear Pangloss?"
"What do I hear? Is it you, my dear master! you I behold in this piteous plight? What dreadful misfortune has befallen
you? What has made you leave the most magnificent and delightful of all castles? What has become of Miss Cunegund, the mirror
of young ladies, and Nature's masterpiece?"
"Oh, Lord!" cried Pangloss, "I am so weak I cannot stand," upon which Candide instantly led him to
the Anabaptist's stable, and procured him something to eat.
As soon as Pangloss had a little refreshed himself, Candide began to repeat his inquiries concerning Miss Cunegund.
"She is dead," replied the other.
"Dead!" cried Candide, and immediately fainted away; his friend restored him by the help of a little bad vinegar,
which he found by chance in the stable.
Candide opened his eyes, and again repeated: "Dead! is Miss Cunegund dead? Ah, where is the best of worlds now? But
of what illness did she die? Was it of grief on seeing her father kick me out of his magnificent castle?"
"No," replied Pangloss, "her body was ripped open by the Bulgarian soldiers, after they had subjected her
to as much cruelty as a damsel could survive; they knocked the Baron, her father, on the head for attempting to defend her;
My Lady, her mother, was cut in pieces; my poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister; and as for the castle,
they have not left one stone upon another; they have destroyed all the ducks, and sheep, the barns, and the trees; but we
have had our revenge, for the Abares have done the very same thing in a neighboring barony, which belonged to a Bulgarian
At hearing this, Candide fainted away a second time, but, not withstanding, having come to himself again, he said all
that it became him to say; he inquired into the cause and effect, as well as into the sufficing reason that had reduced Pangloss
to so miserable a condition.
"Alas," replied the preceptor, "it was love; love, the comfort of the human species; love, the preserver
of the universe; the soul of all sensible beings; love! tender love!"
"Alas," cried Candide, "I have had some knowledge of love myself, this sovereign of hearts, this soul of
souls; yet it never cost me more than a kiss and twenty kicks on the backside. But how could this beautiful cause produce
in you so hideous an effect?"
Pangloss made answer in these terms:
"O my dear Candide, you must remember Pacquette, that pretty wench, who waited on our noble Baroness; in her arms
I tasted the pleasures of Paradise, which produced these Hell torments with which you see me devoured. She was infected with
an ailment, and perhaps has since died of it; she received this present of a learned Franciscan, who derived it from the fountainhead;
he was indebted for it to an old countess, who had it of a captain of horse, who had it of a marchioness, who had it of a
page, the page had it of a Jesuit, who, during his novitiate, had it in a direct line from one of the fellow adventurers of
Christopher Columbus; for my part I shall give it to nobody, I am a dying man."
"O sage Pangloss," cried Candide, "what a strange genealogy is this! Is not the devil the root of it?"
"Not at all," replied the great man, "it was a thing unavoidable, a necessary ingredient in the best of
worlds; for if Columbus had not caught in an island in America this disease, which contaminates the source of generation,
and frequently impedes propagation itself, and is evidently opposed to the great end of nature, we should have had neither
chocolate nor cochineal. It is also to be observed, that, even to the present time, in this continent of ours, this malady,
like our religious controversies, is peculiar to ourselves. The Turks, the Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese,
and the Japanese are entirely unacquainted with it; but there is a sufficing reason for them to know it in a few centuries.
In the meantime, it is making prodigious havoc among us, especially in those armies composed of well disciplined hirelings,
who determine the fate of nations; for we may safely affirm, that, when an army of thirty thousand men engages another equal
in size, there are about twenty thousand infected with syphilis on each side."
"Very surprising, indeed," said Candide, "but you must get cured."
"Lord help me, how can I?" said Pangloss. "My dear friend, I have not a penny in the world; and you know
one cannot be bled or have an enema without money."
This last speech had its effect on Candide; he flew to the charitable Anabaptist, James; he flung himself at his feet,
and gave him so striking a picture of the miserable condition of his friend that the good man without any further hesitation
agreed to take Dr. Pangloss into his house, and to pay for his cure. The cure was effected with only the loss of one eye and
an ear. As he wrote a good hand, and understood accounts tolerably well, the Anabaptist made him his bookkeeper. At the expiration
of two months, being obliged by some mercantile affairs to go to Lisbon he took the two philosophers with him in the same
ship; Pangloss, during the course of the voyage, explained to him how everything was so constituted that it could not be better.
James did not quite agree with him on this point.
"Men," said he "must, in some things, have deviated from their original innocence; for they were not born
wolves, and yet they worry one another like those beasts of prey. God never gave them twenty-four pounders nor bayonets, and
yet they have made cannon and bayonets to destroy one another. To this account I might add not only bankruptcies, but the
law which seizes on the effects of bankrupts, only to cheat the creditors."
"All this was indispensably necessary," replied the one-eyed doctor, "for private misfortunes are public
benefits; so that the more private misfortunes there are, the greater is the general good."
While he was arguing in this manner, the sky was overcast, the winds blew from the four quarters of the compass, and the
ship was assailed by a most terrible tempest, within sight of the port of Lisbon.